Everything feels heavy to carry.
I wanna write but I just seem not to know how to start again.. ‘cos I.. I don’t know. I feel like everything around me just feels heavy to carry.
Last sunday, I had my relapse, and I guess that day was the day where I had my, so far, the longest anxiety and panic attacks. We went to funeral that day. I cried hard even when I wasn’t close to our uncle Emy. I mean, I just knew him the day my father told me that he passed away. They were best cousins.
Having a mental illness I am, my thoughts wandered as I cried. That day, I tell you, I was having my relapse, and I wanted to die. I wanted to end my life. I was suicidal. I already had plans what to do to commit to end my life after going to the funeral. Though that day.. when I saw my father cried, I see his eyes as tears drop on his face. And I thought, that’d he be exactly like that when I die, when I lay down in my funeral bed. It broke my heart.
I wondered.. will someone attend my funeral? except of course, my parents and my sister? Then I thought about my friends. The friendship I have built with a lot of people from different schools. They’d be shocked if they knew I was dead. I think it’ll break their heart, too.
As for my parents and my sister, the pain maybe they’ll have to endure during those times will be excruciating. My mother would weep, so will my sister. Scary to think, but my sister might fall into depression. She’d be like me. sigh.
Then I thought as I sat on the van’s chair staring into the air, life is short, huh? Thinking of Uncle Emy.. I mean one day he just fell on the floor and life wasn’t breathed into him anymore. Short as that, you don’t know when you’ll die.
Maybe by this time you’re thinking, “Finally! She realized all that!” – how life is precious, it’s a gift, how we shouldn’t take our own life, it’s something to be cherished and enjoyed, and all positivity there is.
I’m sorry, but I still can’t get suicidal thoughts get out of my head. I still want death. I actually thought we’re all gonna die anyway, can’t I just go ahead? Sigh. It was that bad. I wanted to be admitted again, to be honest. But I was thinking of the finances. Can’t I be admitted even just for four days at NCMH?
Writing this, I have to breathe in and out.
Lately, everything feels heavy for me to carry – how I think about my future studies – getting into my dream school (ironic how suicidal people like me say they have dreams when they want to end life asap, I know, bear with me..), how everything that I’ve been doing every week is now just an obligation, not really totally from the outflow of heart anymore.
My sister had to talk to my DLeader, Faci, and Ministry Lead for me to take a break. I couldn’t do it anymore..
Actually I don’t know how long will I be taking a break. It’s just that.. right now I realized it’s hard for me to commit yet due to what’s happening with me. Like, I do have attacks every week now, and it’s making me hard to socialize with people. It’s hard for me to breathe. I just couldn’t able to handle everything anymore.
One more thing, remember I told you I have these uncontrollable thoughts that keeps on haunting me – my past. It’s still miserable, and I haven’t been to my Pdoc yet. However, on Sunday, too, I called the NCMH Crisis Hotline and told them everything I have been feeling, and they said there are another symptoms I’m experiencing while my mania and depression exists.
I really wanna talk to my psychiatrist. I wanna be checked again.
I guess, that’s all I have to say by now. Will keep you updated.
Thanks.
Just. 